eHomemakers Malaysia

There's a saying that you won't miss something you have until it's gone. I find this very true, I used to be normal, able and even encouraged to drink more water, the more the better. Well, I can't do that anymore because I'm now a hemodialysis patient. In other words, my kidneys have lost their function and I have to limit my fluid intake drastically and also follow the renal diet. The renal diet means, less of certain fruits (making sure that I have low potassium levels), less salt, less phosphate (less meat, dairy products, nuts, beans, seeds & mushrooms), I also have to watch my dietary calcium levels for some reason too. In other words, I can't just stuff my face whenever I like anymore. Hence, going to an all-you-can-eat buffet is a bad idea now. Well, enough of the things I can't do. What about things I can? I still have my eyesight, which I thank the Lord every minute of every day for. I don't know what I'd do without my eyesight...

I'd like to say that I've always been positive about my lot in life but I haven't been, not always. I have episodes of denial and depression where I'll keep questioning God, "why me?". For those that are new to my blogs, allow me to explain : I have SLE, Lupus, as it's popularly known and it has cause my ESRF (end-stage renal failure), in other words, I now require dialysis for the rest of my earthly life. I know that I've drove many people crazy with my "why me?" diatribes. I've always been envious of my old classmates who have gone on to successful careers, marriages that have double incomes with property (houses), cars etc. Things that I currently don't have because I'm finding difficulty to secure employment. I'm ashamed to say that I have a very negative view of myself : a woman in her 30s, still living at home with her parents, without a job, and without functioning kidneys. I've always felt like a big, fat ...