Waking Up After A Long Sleep Of Negativity......

I'd like to say that I've always been positive about my lot in life but I haven't been, not always. I have episodes of denial and depression where I'll keep questioning God, "why me?". For those that are new to my blogs, allow me to explain : I have SLE, Lupus, as it's popularly known and it has cause my ESRF (end-stage renal failure), in other words, I now require dialysis for the rest of my earthly life.

I know that I've drove many people crazy with my "why me?" diatribes. I've always been envious of my old classmates who have gone on to successful careers, marriages that have double incomes with property (houses), cars etc. Things that I currently don't have because I'm finding difficulty to secure employment.

I'm ashamed to say that I have a very negative view of myself : a woman in her 30s, still living at home with her parents, without a job, and without functioning kidneys. I've always felt like a big, fat failure until tonight, after reading a story from "Chicken Soup for the Soul : Think Positive" by Toni L. Martin.

In this story, Toni talks about her late daughter, who also had SLE. But unlike me, she had it worse, at least I'm not in pain or in hospital. My life is actually pretty normal except for the fact that I visit a dialysis center 3 times a week for my treatments. Toni's daughter, Amanda, had to have dialysis every night for 10 hours, and had to be hospitalized towards the end of her life. I'm not sure whether she was in pain towards the end of her life, but compared to her, I'm can be considered pretty fortunate.

I have 4 dialysis-free days that I can do whatever I like in, merely because of the fact that I'm not employed like all my other friends. I have a confession to make, I've always wanted to be a published author. If I had been completely healthy, I would probably be working myself to an early heart attack in a stressful IT job (what I qualified in, I have a degree in IT).

Now, at least I have to free time to try writing some pieces and get them published. Which is exactly what I'm going to do from now on. Yes! I'm now a full-time author! I will not complain about my life anymore! I feel as if God has reveal His purpose for my life tonight! And I'm so happy I can almost burst from the joy I feel in my heart! I'm Free! I'm free to write!

I've always wanted to write children's books. And now, I have all the time in the world to indulge in my passion of writing, including this blog! Actually, this blog is just a start, a start to get me into the discipline of writing anything, anything that occurs to me.

My heart is bursting for joy at this moment! I finally have a purpose in life! After wasting 6 years in the deep slumber of negativity of moaning and complaining, I've finally 'got it'!


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