Monday, December 31, 2018

One Year Passed

One year almost ending, another year coming. We have gone through a lot together as a family. Our perception of life, humanity and love has changed so much. I credit this to Patrick's presence in our lives.

As I am writing now, Patrick tried to attract my attention by sudden chuckles. I will stop writing, hold him and kiss him. Exactly a year ago, I tried hard to make him smile and laugh.

Today, he takes initiatives to make us smile and laugh. 

On this journey I met courageous and amazing people whom inspired me, supported me, strengthen me. I have strong support from my parents and brother when comes to Patrick's well being. My in-laws have given their support in their own way as well. 

The closest and greatest support would be my husband. He has tirelessly taken care of us even when he is exhausted from work. He would encourage me when my emotions became affected. I am blessed I have a good husband and a good dad to Patrick. For with his presence made our lives complete and loving.

I find the most courageous love is not just willing to love. It's willing to love, willing to give their hearts fully despite the possibilities of getting hurt, of knowing the possibility of losing their loved ones. 

One good example is my mother. I always underestimated her. There were moments I did not expect she would show her strength yet she always step up. My mother has always been afraid to get hurt yet willing to open her heart fully to Patrick. She admitted to me when she thinks of Patrick, there are moments tears come to her eyes. I assured my mother that we will do all we can to help Patrick and not to worry too much of something that we have no control over. 

To focus on Positivity and on Hope. Not on negative thoughts. Not on complaints of how unfair people are to us, of their lacking of empathy or sympathy. Not focus on why Patrick has such bad luck. Not focus on God why He did not heal Patrick completely. Because all these venting, complaining are tiring, finger pointing, destructive and only added onto emotional turbulence that sees no solution and resolution. 

Having a chaotic mind was like howling winds where you cannot hear your inner voice.  Fears and anxiousness shall entrap us within, only suggests to us dead ends, locked doors and no resolutions. When our minds are more free by calmness and clarity,  when our hearts are more stable, only then can we see clearly the best possible routes to help Patrick. 

supporting Patrick
I learnt through Patrick to be ever patient especially when he can be truly hyper in activeness. It can be especially challenging during moments when I am exhausted and my body yearned to sleep. Yet Patrick can still be wide awake, fussing and crying. There were moments I am not proud to admit, my irritation rose, and I would ask him, "why are you crying??"

Yet within seconds a thought dropped into my mind - "He cannot help himself."

Then my irritation disappeared within seconds. I picked him up and rocked him in my arms. Sometimes I would sing the 'calm, calm' song which I created for him. 

The test of Patience have been incredibly high for myself and my husband. For there were moments this year, I truly thought would be the year Patrick may need to go for a liver transplant. Because he would suddenly developed newer symptoms like bleeding in the nose ( which we and the doctor concluded it was due to the nasogastric tube that caused abrasions to the nostrils).  

Then there were occasional bleeding in the stools, however based upon inspection, it appeared to be mostly due to abrasions to the anus opening area. If the blood looked black together with the poo, we should be more worried for that meant internal bleeding in the intestines. So far, the blood appeared to be red. Recently this month, he vomited blood. Oh, how I was on edge. 

Dr Ng advised to observe closely. If Patrick's next vomit have blood once more, he need to be admitted to the hospital for monitoring. Thankfully, no additional episodes. Dr Ng did prepare me that if Patrick have portal hypertension, the amount of blood expelled from his body, whether nose, vomit or stools, would be a huge volume due to swollen blood vessels. Judging the amount that came out, do not appeared to be that severe. So, best not to jump into conclusions and patiently observe in order to know the next best step for Patrick.

Dr Ng has prepared us by next year we shall know by the blood test the state of his liver function. If Patrick is not getting any better, or the results revealed further deterioration, maybe it's time to consider seriously to plan for a liver transplant. It would be best to do it when he is healthy, so to speak. And not when the liver starting to fail severely, which put his life at risk. If the blood test results reveal his liver functioning is on the recovery, then Patrick still continues to be monitored closely. 

And so, we shall wait until 2019 in order to know the eventual fate of Patrick.  We cannot speculate. We cannot worry too much. All we can do is patiently wait. 


Patrick relying on me for emotional support and encouragement
No matter how our journey would be later, no matter how the destination would be, I have no regrets loving you, Patrick. To have you in my life. It had been an amazing journey of Love and you made me realised what is more important in life. To focus on Goodness, Positivity and Humanity. 

After dinner earlier, we brought Patrick to the nearby stalls.  His eyes suddenly fixated on the rows of hanging dolls. We noticed, and we stopped his stroller next to that stall. We kept asking him, which one does he like. How his eyes roamed on such delights. In the end he chose a toy based on this:-

Incredible boy from The Incredibles family.
For me, I do not know what 2019 shall bring for Patrick. Maybe he is trying to tell us something by what he picked as his own gift. I wish for an incredible year of Hope, Faith, Courage, Love, Strength, Resilience and Humanity. 

Within minutes, 2019 would be coming. Wishing you an incredible year of Possibilities in Personal Growths, in harmonious Family relationships, Good Health, in Hope, in Love and Goodness in your life.

Happy New Year!


Faith

On a journey of uncertainty, confusion, chaos and emotional turbulence, that is when we turn to Faith. Some lost Faith when they did not get the answers they wanted or what they prayed for did not manifest. Some Faiths however strengthen despite the journey appearing more unknown and uncertain.

To me, Faith is a personal journey. No one can tell you what you should do with your Faith. It's yours alone and not for others to dictate what it should be to their understanding. To their belief system. To their comfort zone. For God would show the ever faithful His Answer, His Direction. His Guidance.

I remembered my Faith was weakened in the month of April 2018. Patrick's jaundice did not appear to be growing any better. In fact, it was steadily increasing in bilirubin. My mother questioned on why is he not getting any better. Sometimes I do not know how to answer her. How could I give her a definite answer when the doctors could not?

On average, I had been sleeping 3 hours nightly because Patrick could not appear to sleep the whole night. He may sleep around midnight but woke up by 2am plus. Or he sleeps around 3am and woke up by 5am. His sleeping patterns were erratic and unpredictable. Although I try to get him to sleep at a regular time. Yet from what I understand his liver condition has caused him to be unable to get a normal sleeping pattern. 

It was truly a test of Patience and Endurance here.  I was constantly having this exhaustion in me. It helps when I could meditate to destress myself. Especially taking naps during the day to recover. However, I found that even with the naps; I don't feel replenished sometimes. 

Sometimes in such an exhausted state, my emotions were more raw and vulnerable. 

It was one of such mornings when I woke up feeling exhausted. It was in April 2018 when my Faith was tested.

Usually I did my usual prayers in the morning,  to God, Jesus and occasionally Mother Mary. On that morning  in April 2018, I directed my prayers to God and Jesus. 

I suddenly asked God this question - Will my son die?

I paused. I waited. 

I asked again.

With rising discontentment in me, I cried with an anguish heart.

"I don't hear Your Answer. Can You even hear my prayers???"

Then I ended my prayers unhappily. I told myself to forget on this. To move on. To stay positive for the day. We went out as a family to a shopping mall, had our lunch and explore further of the shops and returned home by almost 6pm. 

Our original idea was for us to have dinner outside after we get sufficient rest at home.

Suddenly my husband suggested that we have dinner at home. That he would make dinner instead. 

I was playing with Patrick in the living hall when my husband suddenly called me to the kitchen.

When I went there, he pointed to a broken egg shell. He was preparing to make a steamed egg dish. I was like, yes...it was a  broken egg shell.

These photos taken by my mobile phone. No tampering with the photo.
Taken on 9 April 2018
"Look closely. What does it look like to you"

My eyes looked closely at the insides of the eggshell.

There was a pink coloured cross on the egg shell. At first I thought it was a plus symbol. Upon closer inspection, it looked like a cross. 

Both of us were puzzled how did that happen. We tried to think something logical that could explain the egg shell. Maybe there was a painted cross from the external egg shell that somehow seeped inside. We looked. No such paint on the exterior egg. 

While we were puzzling on how could that could happen, it suddenly dawned on me. My prayers.

Did God answer me? Did Jesus answer me?

They heard my prayers.

They are letting me know...They heard my prayers.

I suddenly feel assured. Safe. Protected.

Although I do not know what would be the outcome of my journey with Patrick, whether he required a liver transplant or not, I felt I am not alone. 

Thank you for showing to me that You heard my prayers. 

Sorry for doubting You. 

Please bless me with continual strength, resilience, faith, clarity of mind and emotional stability so that I would know how to reach the best medical decision for Patrick. 

Praying for the best outcome


Patrick's Empathy

26 December 2018

We had a doctor's appointment to do echocardiogram on Patrick's heart. It is a diagnostic cardio ultrasound. Once he realised we were in the hospital again, Patrick became slightly nervous. He would sometimes fidget more in anticipation of a medical procedure to be done on him once more.

Whenever we follow up on Patrick's medical appointments, we usually assured him it would not be painful nor a scary medical procedure. That it was because he over-think which made it a scary experience.  If he need to take a blood test on that day, we tell him the Truth - that there would be pain but it would be a short pain. 

We were requested to sit in the waiting lounge while we waited for Patrick's name to be called. We tried to distract him by playing with him. We allowed him to stand and lean against our bodies while his eyes would move around the room.

There were some patients waiting in the lounge as well. Many of them looked unhappy and even jaded. Only Patrick was the smiling patient. On the other hand, he did not realise what was to come. 

"Hiiiiiiii"

I heard Patrick's trademark welcoming greeting.

I looked up to see him raising his hand to one direction. He was leaning against my husband's shoulder at that time. 

"Hiiiiiiiiiii" with a raised hand in greeting once more.

This time I got curious. I looked at the direction where his hand gestured to.

It was to this man below.

This photo was taken by my mobile phone. At the waiting lounge.
Patrick wanted to cheer this man up by saying "hiiiiiii"
There were other waiting patients in the lounge. Only he did that continuous posture. Other patients did not attract Patrick. Only this man.

Was Patrick trying to cheer him up? How did he know that man needed that? By observing his body language? Patrick has not seen such body language before. We did not do that in front of him. How could Patrick tell he needed empathy?

So young an age and already know how to give love. I am growing more surprised by you, Patrick. You are reminding me to love more. Not just to you. To the surrounding people who needed love.

Our hearts can have others in our love and care. Like how
Patrick offered his care to the stranger above.



Kindness

Before I walked on my spiritual path and journey, I used to have a ‘healthy level of skepticism’ or so I justified to myself. People cannot be too nice to you with no reason. Based on my experiences and of my friends’ sharing, people tend to want something back for being ‘nice’ and ‘kind’ to you. It’s either a favour which you alone can give to him/her, or wanting a friendship that can give him or her emotional support but he or she may not necessarily offer the same in return.

My dad used to share with me that when he was at corporate top management level, he was surrounded by many ‘friends’. His colleagues’ wives would invite my mum to social gatherings. They would always appear very helpful to my parents. That all stopped when my dad quit his job and decided to go into his own business. However, because it was the recession, his business faced problems trying to maintain its overhead costs.

To dad’s disappointment, all except for one of these friends’ disappeared from his life. I heard him share with me bitterly that he did not even think of asking for financial help although he was having financial difficulties. Yet their actions revealed to him who were his real friends during times of hardship. 

I had been betrayed before in a friendship when he could not get what he wanted from me. I had friends who disappeared from my life, only to reappear when they wanted to make a sale in insurance and of other MLM activities they had joined. When I wanted friends to be there for me in emotional support like how I offered for them, I found myself often disappointed. Then I decided to be strong for myself, not asking anything from any friendship except for friendly chatter and as companions for movie outings. 

I do believe people are good in general. However, I always felt I should not be too trusting and na├»ve. Otherwise I would get cheated, manipulated especially taken advantage of. The media and our family members always cautioned us to be careful of people’s intentions until sometimes we can get paranoid, distrustful and suspicious.

There were moments I had been misunderstood just based upon their flawed observations of me. In my twenties at my first job, there were rumours spread around among my colleagues that I am a ‘playgirl’. I was not aware until one colleague of mine approached me on the Truth of such rumours. 

It shocked me and asked on what basis were these rumours based on? I did not flirt openly as I had seen some female colleagues did so. I did not mention I am on a hunt for men. Neither did I bring different boyfriends’ to the office. It puzzled me on how this came about.

This female colleague explained that this misassumption happened because a few of our peers saw me talking to men colleagues in a friendly manner. I was either having a conversation or sometimes it was because of work that I engaged with my male colleagues. I reflected upon myself - no; I was not being flirtatious. I did not believe in indulging in that too because I had seen how misunderstandings can happen if they only meant the flirtation as a game and nothing more. 

Sometimes all these experiences made me presumed the worst of people for being judgmental, rumour mongering and so forth. Its rare people are truly nice and kind without an agenda. 

I found myself years later my entire perception changed because of my spiritual awakening. Not only did my mindset change because of questioning my belief systems, prejudices and preferences, my emotional expression, my creativity had changed so much. My previous ideas of Humanity as mentioned above have changed. I felt it was because I took meditation seriously as a way to destress myself. I went on a period of self reflection. I made peace more and more with my life experiences especially on my traumas. I could see my unresolved life issues limit me in expression and perception. I came to realise I had misunderstood others’ good intentions towards me. It was not an easy journey of self awakening, self-discovery and self healing. Yet without these, I could not be strong, resilient and have the love to carry on my journey with Patrick. I had written my memoirs this year and got it self-published on this part of my journey.

Surprisingly, it was after the spiritual awakening journey I came to realise the best of Humanity. The kindness, the empathy, especially the purity of love displayed towards me. Initially, I reacted with skepticism, disbelief and wondered does he or she wants something from me. 

I had to tell myself each time, don’t be prejudice and judgmental. Just observe. When I did, I usually ended up pleasantly surprised. 

I had written on my one month hospital stay with Patrick in earlier articles. I highlighted I met among the best of Humanity in the ward. There was one kind person I met during my stay. Not because she was a patient. She was a seller of Ketocreme MCT powder. These products carried fats to be added upon the normal formula milk of Anmum Infacare

The doctor originally advised us to get MCT oil to be added inside the normal formula milk. However, most of the oil floated on top of the milk and did not manage to be consumed fully by my son. My husband based upon his research discovered an alternative - an MCT powder which can be fully dissolved in water, and hence by the formula milk. The doctor suggested Patrick to be on a diet of alternate special formula milk and normal formula milk with added MCT powder.


Ketocreme MCT powder product
In early July 2018, I received a mobile text notification from Poslaju that the Ketocreme items ordered were to be collected from a postal box in the university. Should I not collect it within the period stipulated, the postmen would return them to sender. I could not understand why the items are not delivered to the hospital although it gave the hospital address. July was the time when Patrick had to be hospitalised as he was not gaining weight, and I stayed at the hospital with him for about a month. It was my husband who made arrangements for they to deliver the MCT powder to me at the hospital. I could not leave the hospital then. My husband was away from Kuala Lumpur for work. My parents stayed too far from the hospital and I don’t wish to inconvenience them.

I could take my son to the postal box and collect the said items by taxi. However, I would have to bring him in a stroller. And it‘s not just a stroller. It‘s a car seat placed on top of the stroller. So, it is a big thing to be placed inside the taxi. I could not leave my son in the hospital while I go and collect the item too. Because he would cry non-stop when he noticed I am not around. So, I was in a dilemma. 

I approached the seller of Ketocreme. Her name is Veronica. I shared of my situation. During our conversation, I could tell Veronica wanted to find out was I being a difficult customer. It was during our conversation she came to realise her products were being used for a baby. Once she could see the urgency of Patrick needing the MCT powder it was finishing in the hospital ), she met me in the hospital by giving me one kg of Ketocreme and one bag of apples. My husband ordered lesser in volume. 

She insisted that I should get more. I told her I may not have enough cash with me. She told me not to worry and to keep the cash for myself in case of contingencies. That she would liaise with my husband. She may even consider giving this away as a gift for my son. It shocked me. I told her, no no... must pay you. I am uncertain how this ended because my husband continue to liaise with her to purchase her products. 

She then gave me encouragement to stay strong for my son. That she would pray for us. Her action especially the extra miles she went for we very touched me. It was really unnecessary. I could have just waited for it to expire the storage period at the Poslaju storage place. And then called Poslaju to re-sent directly to the hospital. That was the advice given by the customer service. 

It was not just business for her, which touched me greatly.  My husband shared with me that she would inquire on our son now and then. 

For those who are interested to purchase Ketocreme products or of other products she offers, I recommend checking her online shop.

Veronica, thank you for supporting my son. 

This represented Veronica supporting my baby then




A New Year Is Coming!

      The year 2018 is ending. Other than celebrating the coming of the new year 2019, it is necessary to reflect on this year. In retrospect, 2018 has been quite an important period for me. Some of my major highlights:-

1) Surgery on my fistula – had a sore bottom for 2 weeks. Couldn’t sit comfortably throughout the duration. Felt so swollen down there.

2) Colostomy reversal operation – I had my Colostomy reversal operation a few months after my fistula surgery. Finally, I can use the toilet like everyone else.  Yay! free from pooing into the bag.  Even though I had to endure constipation for a month post operation, it was worth the suffering as the operation has helped me to feel ‘normal’ again













Before my colostomy reversal, I used the wear the above colostomy bag which had to be attached to my ‘stoma’ which was located at the left side of my stomach. Sometimes, the bag leaked and it would be very smelly. Unlike the rectum, the stoma has no control over the output of the faeces.


3) After my stoma reversal operation, my mobility became much better, gradually my legs were also getting stronger and less painful when walking. Currently, I am using a cane for balance.

4) Started to write my earlier thoughts through ehomemakers.

5) Skin breakdown getting less. As at the time of writing, there is only one troublesome spot on my head.

6) Learnt loom knitting. Managed to loom knit hats and dolls for my family and friends.  I am lucky to find a simple version of knitting through loom knitting which I self-taught myself by watching you tube videos.

7) Strong enough to drive my car again.

      Overall, I feel that the year 2018 has been good to me. I am hoping for more healing and improvement for the year ahead.

     The year 2019 would be like a blank book, with us penning the stories. How we want it to be would depend on what we write on those pages. Do write a beautiful story for yourself. Have a Happy New Year!








Singing Mummy and Son

One of the most joyful experience I have as a mother is singing to Patrick. I sang to him when he was in my womb. Once he was out in this world, I still continued singing for him. Usually I sang to him songs I have written or created on the spot for him.

He used to just listen. His smiles would be the response for my efforts. Until recently, Patrick started to join me in singing, adding his own voice and tune. And now we can be a singing duo of mummy and son! 


Mother & son singing for you, 
Expressing our hearts so true, 
Angelic singers we are not, 
Hoping our voices don't knot. 
Loving each moment more and more, 
It has not been so far a bore, 
For mummy always sing, dance, laugh 
One day you can ask for our autograph. 
16 Dec 2018
©Cordelia Lee 

P/s -  I don't know how to write yet. I will autographed 
my fist onto your paper instead. (Patrick)

I love to sing aloud to Patrick by spontaneously create songs for him. His usual response would be with big smiles or chuckles. His body swaying or shaking his head to let me know he was enjoying the moment with me. Below were such special moments when he sang with me.


The shorter version


The longer version

There were moments when I initiated a conversation with Patrick, he would surprise me by his response.  There were times I thought to myself, was it a coincidence that he responded to me in a way that he appeared to understand me? But he seemed too young to understand my sentence. My logical mind sometimes debated with me.

One example was an experience below. I bought some LED items for Patrick where I used them at night. I would sometimes switched off the room lights for him to admire the lighted LED items.


Mother &  son admiring the lights, 
So beautiful they are this very night. 
In silence we sit,  feeling so  bright. 
Our hearts have become our shining guide. 
In a second my son turns, 
My cheek was touch by his lips. 
Thanking  me for this moment, 
Yet if not for him, this shall never be. 
No need to thank me, my son. 
I should thank you for being my sun. 
15 Dec 2018
©Cordelia Lee 

In another incident that showed his gratitude to me happened on 24 December 2018. I read an article of a mother who had given birth. There were photos of her and her baby.

Patrick stared at the photos closely, looking at the new-born baby that was placed on top of the mother. Noticing Patrick was staring at these photos, I explained to him that the mummy had given birth to her baby. "Like how I gave birth to you."

He suddenly turned to me, kissed me on my cheek. Then he continued his attention curiously on the article. I was stunned and felt sweeten by his gesture. Was he showing me gratitude? It was the first time he saw such photos.

Patrick, you are surprising me more and more. I love you, my son.  


This represented how I felt when Patrick suddenly kissed
my cheeks to show his Gratitude

Action Plan Before Hospitalisation

Based on the rapid loss of his weight, we decided that it was time to admit Patrick to the hospital for nasogastric tube procedure in the middle of June 2018.

It was not the first time he had that procedure.  I could not remember exactly which day that we admitted him to the hospital for the said procedure. It was sometime between the period of April - May 2018. He was hospitalised for a few days. 

I remembered he was not happy and cried on the day of admittance. I attempted to cheer him up on that day. However, he managed to pull it all out during Malaysia's Election Day on May 9, 2018. How could I remember that date well? It was because I remembered texting my husband that Patrick removed his tube. My husband was back in his hometown to cast his vote. I was taking a nap in the living hall while my son slept in his own chair. I suddenly woke up to his cries and discovered that the tube was no longer inside his nostril.

After the discussion with my husband, we decided against reinserting the nasogastric tube. What decided for us then was because he was vomiting up to five times on an average daily. Even during his few days stay at the hospital, he vomited as well. We assumed it would be a temporary side effect of the nasogastric tube although according to the doctor not all babies react in the same manner. My husband felt it was counter productive. Instead of helping him to gain weight, his vomiting spells may cause it to be otherwise and it is also traumatising for Patrick.

A few months later in the middle of June 2018, Patrick's rapid loss in weight had us reconsidering on nasogastric tube insertion.

Recalling the way he had reacted to his earlier hospital stay, I knew I must have an action plan. The doctor had suggested maybe a week or two in the hospital, depending on Patrick's reaction to the procedure.

On the day of admittance in the middle of June 2018, Patrick was crying almost the whole day. Whenever I manage to calm him down, in come someone to check his body temperature and blood pressure. Then another coming in to look at his stomach and so forth. 

If we were going to stay until a week or more, it can be traumatising for Patrick to be in constant fear.

I decided it was good to have an action plan

I remembered I wrote the action plan and stick that paper onto the wall to remind myself.

1 - To meditate and pray every day. ( Which I was not able to do on a daily basis during my one month stay. Even when I tried to meditate, I will fall asleep mid way as my physical body was calling me to rest in slumber. When I managed to meditate, oh how my exhaustion melted from my mind and body)

2  - To encourage Patrick to smile and laugh every day.

Making Patrick happy, my number one priority!
3 - To encourage Patrick on his standing exercises. ( He would usually gripped his hands onto the bars of the baby cot, with smiles of achievement.)

4 - I will sing to him daily of uplifting and positive songs that made him feel good of himself. It was in the hospital when I first started trying to empower Patrick by singing, "You have the power! You have the power, Patrick! Baby power!"  This was based upon the song, 'The Power' by Snap!


He always seemed to listen to me closely whenever I sang. I would encourage him with that verse when he held onto the bars of the baby cot. How his eyes sparkle, with his steady legs and firm arms onto the bars. He would try to stand as long as he can for up to five minutes or more continously. And when his legs became tired, he sits down. In less than half a minute, he will pull himself up again onto the bar to stand once more.

5 - Patrick to play with his balloon, that was given by  one mother. Usually he would just tapped it with different degrees of force.

6 - I would read books to him. He especially like books that are interactive as he likes to participate in the story telling. My mother bought books that made sounds. By pressing a button on that book, it would either make an animal sound or played music. Whenever I finished one page, I would urge Patrick to "press, Patrick. Press the button." He would press it while looking at me with a beaming smile. 

Interactive musical or animal sounds book
7 - I would assure Patrick he is loved, supported and encouraged. 

We always tell him he is loved, supported and not to give up when
he face challenges such as trying to stand up and lean against the sofa.
8 - I would be with him in all the procedures that he needed to go through. In fact, verbally I had promised him I will do it. I truly had to fight to keep my word. During my one month hospital stay with Patrick, a nurse was ordering me to get out from the Room of Pain, where major and minor medical procedures were done on babies and young children. It was time for them to extract his blood. In the end, the nurse gave in when I insisted that I was staying with my son. Later the nurse explained that they had a bad experience when one mother fainted during extraction of blood from her baby. They had to attend to both the mother and baby. 

I did notice mothers were waiting outside the room, with worried looks hearing their babies cried out in fear inside the room. I remembered one mother shared with me that her baby needed to be inserted with the nasogastric tube. 

She was very worried and wanted to know about the procedure. I shared with her that it was not a pleasant experience. Imagine nurses holding you down while the doctor or the attending nurse pushed an alien object inside your nostril until it reached your stomach? I may not have the experience. However, I can tell that it was not pleasant.

The nurses informed this mother to wait outside while they do the procedure on her baby later. I told her that I refused to do so because I wanted to assure Patrick that I was nearby. That I have promised him I would be with him no matter what in the hospital. I told her that it was her choice on what she wanted to do later when it was time for nasogastric tube to be inserted on her daughter.

I noticed a flicker of emotions in her eyes. 

It was only later when I recognised what that flicker of emotions meant. I was bringing Patrick out in a stroller when I bumped into this mother, holding her baby. The nurse gestured her to come into the Room of Pain.

As I walked pass this room, our motherly eyes met; an exchange of understanding that we mothers will do all we can for our babies. Even though we needed to be in situations that would be uncomfortable for us. We will raise our strength to be strong for our babies. We shall lift  up our babies to be strong, positive and more.


We will guide you to be happier, to be strong and be a non-quitter, Patrick!