Reflections And Coming Of New Year

Last day of 2019 have arrived. Much have happened in my life; mentally, emotionally, physically, in my relationships especially in my family. I have been in reflective mode since Christmas Day. Moments which awakens me to the best of humanity. Moments that were worrisome when Patrick appearing to have symptoms which at first were not positive during his new liver transitioning stage. I finally took part in a workshop that unleash the creative expression in me after a long absence from experiencing and experimenting with the creative side of me. On the month of November and December 2019, an NGO invited me to conduct doll-making workshops whose major work involved hospital patients and sickly children. I have amazing encounters  and moments with Nature’s creatures. 

My first witness of the birth of a ladybird coming 

out from its cocoon. This happened in my garden. 

Ladybird interacting with me after I offered my hand in friendship.

My encounters with Nature's creatures.

My encounters with  Nature's creatures

It was in December 2019 I got reminded how far I have changed today. One of the mothers I befriended last year during the time Patrick hospitalised for a month found a photo of us in her mobile memory. She decided to whatsapp me our photo. Looking at it, it shocked me. 

Changes in mother and son after one year have passed

How exhausted I looked. How sickly Patrick looked. I was in this moment after moment of endurance, perseverance, resilience especially patience during my journey with Patrick. I was not much in reflective mode until I was invited to write this blog last year. I was often in the state of reacting to each moment. To stay focused in having a clear and stable mind to identify when or if his liver has failed by observing his physical symptoms daily. To be able to recognise the need for a liver transplant in order to save his life. To ensure I would not be too exhausted until I make mistakes in my assessment of Patrick's medical symptoms. 

Based upon the sharing from the support group, once the liver starts to fail, time is of great essence. It can be a few weeks or a month plus before the child succumbed to the disease. Since last year until today, I got to know more than 16 babies and young children who died from the Malaysian support group. My heart always grieves for each death. This would always make me grateful Patrick is still with us today. 

The hardest part was the exhausted state of mind, emotions and physical. Since I was pregnant until Patrick had his liver transplant in China, 2-3 hours of nightly sleep was a regular part of my life. 

The exhaustion sensation that clung onto my skin have often become an unbearable part of me. I would have this feeling I need to hold myself together otherwise I would erupt like a volcano anytime as the lava within me growing hotter and ready to explode. It had caused my mental and emotional state to be unstable. I could hardly smile and my facial expression looked as if I am ready to eat anyone who unwittingly tip me over in mental and emotional state. My husband had misunderstood my looks and assumed I was upset with him until I explained my facial expression was the state of my exhaustion. When you cannot smile, you just cannot. However, I would not allow myself to remain that state for too long.

I did not want Patrick to see a sullen looking mother who hardly smile and misunderstood my body language. I constantly reminded myself Patrick needs a safe space, to feel comforted. That he need to feel positive in facing his challenges which he cannot understand yet. Already so young he has so much on his plate; the confusion of constant medication, the regular hospital visits, the discomfort of having nasogastric tube in his nostril, the daily itchiness on his body because of his high bilirubin in his blood stream among others. 

It was not easy sleeping for two to three nights on average before the liver transplant. Patrick would constantly wake up crying and fussing due to the itchiness of his body. The itchiness of his body was due to the levels of bilirubin in his blood stream. The higher the bilirubin, the higher the level of itchiness. Every day he would be in that state. Sometimes the itchiness can be unbearable until his skin would be bloodied due to his constant scratching that could never ease his discomfort.

I made a commitment to destress and release myself from this daily exhaustion state through meditation, qigong and prayers. When I am able to do so, I would look refreshed as if I had 8 hours of sleep. When I could not do it deeply enough, I looked exhausted and my body language would reflect its state. 

My fresh looking face although I slept
on average 2-3 hours nightly in 2018.

Simple meditation exercise I do in my garden.

With the coming of the new year, resolutions may be in store. I have some specific ideas  and plans which I hope will materialise in 2020. At the same time I would continue to monitor Patrick's medical condition. 

2019 is an emotional year for me; A year of Hope, Resilience, Faith, Perseverance especially Love. I experienced the best of my husband in facing his fears, having strength, resilience, endurance and perseverance in becoming a liver donor for Patrick.  My love for him have grown for the sacrifices he was willing to make for Patrick. 

I do not know what 2020 holds for myself, my husband and for Patrick. All I know is that I will continue to do my best for myself and for my family. I will continue to remind myself this too shall pass whenever challenges may arise. I will continue to look at the brighter side of life and humanity although occasionally the experiences may not be positive. 

I wish my readers to have abundance in your life next year; enough money to sustain your lifestyle, enough love to fill your heart and soul, enough strength and courage overcome any trials, enough healthiness to keep your physical in check, enough ambition to blaze off own trail, enough support for your ideas in business/career growth and enough peace in your heart and mind so that clarity shall always be within your hands and in your journey of life. 

If you are still struggling in some aspects of your life and of yourself, you are more courageous and strong than you thought of yourself could ever be. Seek help when you could not do it on your own anymore. Do more of self care when you could not cope with life's pressures and tribulations of life. You are not alone in your struggles. 

May God Bless you wherever you are and whatever you do.