To Have Faith

It is not easy to have Faith when nothing is certain. Sometimes we want guarantees all shall be fine yet in life what is truly guaranteed? I would say death is a guarantee that all of us would face at the end of our life journey. Our human body is fragile, limited by our DNA structure  which shaped our mortality.

Having Faith in oneself when there is no support would be another challenge. Having Faith all shall turn out alright when no doors of Light and Love appear for us. Usually in this instance, either we continue to have Faith despite it all or lose Faith because nothing seems to go right.

I have been tested on Faith many times over in this life. Faith in myself. Faith in my own family. Faith in Humanity. Faith in God. My life journey took a lot of challenges to overcome, trauma to make peace with, to forgive people whom hurt me carelessly or intentionally.

I knew what it is like to be lost, confused and losing faith in myself especially when I undergone anorexia nervosa in my teenage years. I felt myself drowning in a never-ending stream of confusion, unhappiness, resentment, anger and unforgiveness. I was hurting my own body yet I could not see it then. Eventually when I come to realisation there was something very wrong with me with no indication from anyone ( my weight was at 33kg at the age of 17 years old. When I wrote that down on the school register, I somehow knew something was very wrong with that number.), I decided to bring myself out from that vicious cycle. 

By courageously taking on a path which I never done before, which is to have Faith in myself to bring myself out from the darkness. I read especially on real life stories of ordinary people overcoming intense challenges of life. It took months, especially years before they could break free completely. I was not focusing on the length of time it took for these group of people. I was more focused that it can be done. It took me years before the effects of anorexia nervosa slipped away from me especially after I embarked onto my spiritual journey to God, to my own inner healing by practising non-religious meditation, prayers and Qigong. 

I lost Faith in my Femininity because I had some life experiences that caused me to have low self esteem in my womanhood. I allowed society, family, romantic experiences and occasionally friends to influence me. Eventually I learned to break free from these vicious cycle of validation and approvals that only serve to limit me as a person, not just as a female.

When I walked upon this spiritual journey especially onto a new career change, how I was judged! I was judged I was wrong in doing what I did. That it is not in accordance to the norms of society or to religious faiths they followed. They judged me for not being "normal". Yet what is normal, anyway? What is considered normal today is not so a century ago. Women were not allowed to vote and considered the only role suited would be a stay at home mother and housewife. Today women can make a choice to be a career minded person or family focused. It is a norm to have a balance of both career and family in today's womenfolk.

I admit I allowed these to shape me especially the hurt of rejection, being ostracised and being misunderstood. Sometimes I would explain why I am on this path. Sometimes there would be a debate why they are more right and I am not right on my path. Usually I am not interested to partake such for I do not force others to walk onto my path.

Faith in my family when each time when I needed support and encouragement the most, at the most vulnerable part of my life journey...both my parents step up especially my mother. I did not realise how strong she is until she need to step in to "save" me. 

Lost and hopeless I was in,

No light can be felt and seen.

My ending I felt would be so unkind

Pain seem to be a common line.

With courage and love in mum's heart

Refusing to let me go and let me depart,

“Always remember we are a family!”

Her advice with a tigress grip on my arm,

Her protective eyes burning into me.

I broke and cried, realised not alone I was

Greatest advice ever given is remember FAMILY.

My mum’s love reminds me of this reality.

( May 2019)

My mother protected me during my vulnerable
moments although no longer a child.

Having Faith in God was a journey of challenges for me. I have lost Faith many years ago when I prayed for answers during my teen years. I was expecting specific answers. Many years later, I prayed hard when I was affected badly; mental, emotional, physically, spiritually especially when I started to lose Faith in myself that I can overcome my challenges then.

I experienced God in ways I could not believe that led me to become a strong believer today. During my journey with Patrick, it was very hard especially when I kept reading babies' deaths in the support group. Hearing how the mothers grieved, seeing the photos of their babies sometimes torn me. I felt my Heart being shredded slowly like a paper entered into a paper shredder machine. Although they were not my children, I grieved as if they were mine. Their deaths a constant reminder of Patrick's challenges. 

Not even doctors can guarantee the outcome of Patrick. Usually the advice would be to have Patience. To observe for any changes in symptoms that may require hospitalisation and immediate treatment. To wait for the body to heal until much lesser jaundice afflict the body or observe the body deteriorates until a liver transplant is urgently required to save the child's life.

The waiting can be agony, worrisome. I have to tell myself whenever new symptoms appear such as bleeding in the stools. Are such serious enough to admit to the hospital? Or are such a manifestation of something else not linked to the disease?

My emotions were more raw and vulnerable especially when I did not able to de-stress using my usual practice of meditation and prayers. Two to three hours of uninterrupted sleep  in the night was my norm since pregnancy until today also contributed to my raw emotional state. It happened a few times especially this one time when I questioned God whether Patrick would die. I did not expect He would manifest in such a manner like below:-

Physical manifestation reply to my prayers in April 2018

When I started to fear my son's life may lead to worse suffering or worse, death due to delay in scheduled medical tests on him,  I was instinctively guided to check my phone and saw this below:-

Another photo linked to prayers.

Above photo was taken recently during the hospital stay for liver transplant assessment. It was taken on a day when it was a truly emotional experience between myself and the doctors. It was after I prayed, I suddenly feel like checking my photos. It was then I noticed this strange photo. At first I thought maybe my camera flash was on. It was switched off. I stood at the same angle and same position because Patrick was fidgeting. When I looked at the photo for the first time, I noted there is a Heart shaped Light on his face. One of my friends asked me whether did I notice the heart shape when I shared this photo with her. Upon realisation, I felt assured that everything shall be fine where Patrick is concerned. To have Faith. 

My Faith in Humanity grows stronger and stronger the more I encounter different walks of life. They offered advice, prayers, blessings and more. Their kindly eyes with compassionate body language touched me each time. Long time ago, I used to have mistrust and skepticism to Humanity because of influence from life experiences, media and sharing of friends and family's negative experiences. 

Today I find because of a few bad apples, it is not fair to label all apples as bad. My journey with Patrick may be filled with worries, fears, understanding even love, I also walked with Hope, Patience, Faith, Love that comes from the greater part of Humanity. My experiences involved Christians, Hindus, Muslims, Buddhists, Taoists and of no religious faiths to pray for us earnestly especially for Patrick. 

Behind our status, our religion, our gender, our background... we are Humanity.  So long we have humanity within our hearts, we are a family no matter who we are, where we come from. 

Only last night I got reminded of this by a pious Buddhist:-

Conversation with a kind friend the night before.

This reminded me of the song I composed years ago, "We are One Big Family."

"We are one big Family" sung by me and Miki.

I was pregnant at the time. Not easy for me as

due to the size of my weight, I was out of breath 

and tired easily.

I end this post by saying this...no matter what you may face in your life, be it a sickly child like what I am going  through with Patrick, challenges that tear your mind, heart, body and soul... I am to tell  you this and please believe me...

HAVE FAITH

Everything shall be alright although no immediate answers come to you yet. When others appeared to fail you and understand you. When you are all alone in facing your challenges, be it career, marriage, financial and so forth. Have Faith that all shall be alright so long you persevere, focused on overcoming your challenges and do not give up especially on yourself.

I believe you can overcome this. No matter what it may be.

I believe in you.

I believe in Humanity.

I believe in God.

If you do not have Faith in God yet, you can still have Faith. 

I have Faith you shall be fine. If you are alone, in need of support, please never be embarrassed and be afraid to reach out. There will always be others who would mend your wings, whether spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. 

There will always be Light and Love to those who seek.

P/S - Patrick's latest blood test revealed a significant drop in bilirubin levels. From 404 (two weeks ago) to 276. 

It was 276 last month. 354 three weeks ago. 404 two weeks ago.

It could be the significant leap of bilirubin levels likely to influence the doctor to advise us to proceed with the liver transplant. Other parts of the blood tests were not favourable as well including the platelets level. That meant the spleen is also affected badly. When the bilirubin results leaped from 354 to 404 in one week's time, I admit I was getting to grow worried. Would it get higher and higher by each week until surgery? Would the symptoms continue to worsen until may affect his surgery date? 

Yesterday's blood tests results gave us a sigh of relief. However, the platelets continously go downward. To which the doctor said it is a sign of deterioration. Low platelets mean easily bruising and bleeding not easily stop. I must take note whenever Patrick scratched himself until bleeding due to itchiness. 

We shall go forward no matter how the journey would be for the next almost two weeks before our flight to China. With Faith in our Hearts that comes from God, Family, Humanity, my husband and myself... Patrick shall be alright. To remind myself to stay Present, to have Patience especially most of all - Have Faith. 

This song appear apt in what I am facing today; 

to keep moving forward.