Roller Coaster Jaundice

There were times I find life can be a roller coaster. Of sudden turns, drops, highs and lows. Frankly, I never did like roller coasters, unlike some of my friends. I do not like the unknown and things that seemingly go out of control beyond our hands. For a long time I preferred control. Control of my emotions. Control of my finances. Control over my planning. It is to be A, B, C. And that is that. If it could not go according to my sense of control, I would get upset. Even then I would control that emotion itself. 

Roller coaster of life
It was until I had my spiritual awakening years ago which led me to realise we can plan all we want. However, not all can happen to our plan. With lessons of life, I learn to accept that some things cannot be changed while some can be influenced to have a higher percentage of a positive outcome by adapting to these sudden new changes. A good example would be a decade ago due to an intense trauma that happened to me,  I could no longer able to manage my mental and emotional state. 

I was fed up with that state. I was angry. I was fearful. I kept thinking life being unfair to me. My thoughts were rushing like bullet trains that had no specific destinations. I was in a constant state of anxiousness that affected my physical health and sleep. There was no "off" button in me to rest at all. I was constantly blaming others for causing me to be in this position, for not supporting me in my time of need. I even blamed myself for being weak and stuck. 

Why, oh why I cannot get off from this runaway train of life. I felt anytime I can be crashed and burnt. Which I had due to that trauma I went through. The aftermath of it came with a sense of helplessness and hopelessness that made me felt there was no way out from that situation. I published these experiences of mine into a memoir last year. 
This represented how my crashed and burnt trauma a decade ago.
If I allowed myself to give in to these new state of circumstances, I can be stuck like this until in my 70s or 80s. That thought scared me enough to want to do something about it. I decided to stop putting blame as a focus. Instead be a solution provider. I realised I need to do something first on my mental and emotional instability. I did try the usual suppress and repress method. However, I found it no longer worked as before. That's when I started taking meditation as an answer to my position. 

However, there were moments I was very impatient because I could not control the outcome. I wanted fast results. Eventually I learn to let go and let the process develop. I had a roller coaster ride of impatience why the results did not go in accordance to what I want and acceptance that everything takes time to develop. Before I knew it, meditation is a way of life for me. 

I wrote my reflection in a poetic manner that summarised my journey in meditation from mid-November 2009 to end of January 2010. How meditation assisted me to have a breakthrough, breaking through the chains of negativity that locked me within a vicious cycle of anger and despair.

In 3 weeks never-ending wreckage,
Of mind, heart, body spirit and soul
Darkness step within till almost become one
Light fades as pressures mount.
Love and Light disappearing into the night.

Another 3 weeks a constant struggle,
Left or right, light or dark,
Getting constantly in a muddle,
Why fight when impulses run high
Tempting to walk on a crooked road
of Chaos and shadows.

In the next 3 weeks salvation returns,
Remembering of love and light
Darkness may be strong but Light is of might
For a beacon would reveal potential and future
Unlike darkness thrive on destruction and urges.

In the following 3 weeks,
Darkness departs, paving way.
To sunlight, grace and harmony.
Learning once more to be whole.
For Love and Light to be my reality.
( February 5, 2010)

All these experiences and hard work prepared me well years later when I suddenly have another life experience that was intense as well -  my son's biliary atresia condition. Without these, I could not have the strength and the awareness of what I can do and what I can't.

The recent blood test results showed a sudden big leap of bilirubin of 215 (January 2, 2019) to 295 (January 8, 2019) was shocking and worrying. 

Last year, Patrick's bilirubin levels usually raised step by step, and hardly downslide. The pattern usually a gradual uptrend. 

Myself and my husband discussed what could lead to that. My husband analysed that when Prof Ng suggested going fully into Peptamen Junior 100% ( on January 2, 2019), we tried as per suggestion. This suggestion came about because observations Patrick has been steadily gaining weight. So, why not fully into Peptamen instead of 80% of it. 

However, we slowly noticed his stools became more pale as time went by. By the time his blood test was taken a week later, his bilirubin went to a big leap of 295. 

My husband decided to return the practice of giving Patrick Peptamen at 80% while at 20% Annum with MCT powder. This time, my husband added a small volume of DHA into each feed of Peptamen (because Peptamen Junior doesn't contain DHA). 

We shall observe what shall happen next. We noticed after almost a week, Patrick's stools starting to show more colour. We hope this is a good sign. 

By the next blood test we shall know whether this assist Patrick. 

We will keep on trying, striving the best for you, Patrick. Come what may, this mama will be the tree of life for you. 

I shall be your roots of strength, stability and personal growth. 
This mama ain't quitting on you, no matter what challenges 
come our way where comes to your health challenges, Patrick. 
This photo was me taken almost ten years ago.    


  1. Yr piece show mother's love, undying. All teens who are rebelling should read your blogs.

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  3. Thanks for your comments. On this journey with Patrick, I met amazing and strong mothers who not only do their all for their children, they still willing to offer their time to encourage others in need as well. I am one of their recipients. Inspiring to me.


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