Clarity In Chaos

Many of us have faced challenges in life, be it relationships, finances, health, family, work among others. Our heads would spin, our hearts broken and unstable. Even our breath erratic, rapid with short gasps and shallow. I've been through all these challenges of life. Today my latest challenge to date is managing my son's condition. 

When it was confirmed he has biliary atresia and especially after knowing the symptoms of it, my world crashed and my heart in broken dreams as a mother. My first experience as a mother and I am to face my greatest challenge whether he would live beyond two years.

These as stated by some literature and research on biliary atresia. Some part of me wished it was not so. Some part of me went why me. Some part of me blamed others. Was it others who put me under so much stress and pressure that resulted that outcome?

Oh, how my head was spinning and spinning in December 2017.

I felt this closely represent my turbulent mind and emotions when
I initially discovered my baby's biliary atresia.

Although I heard real-life stories of a challenging journey with their babies who requires special care, it did not encourage me of positivity and possibilities of a better outcome. All these comes to my mind when I was fearful, unhappy, anxious and pessimistic. Some tears came, some tears stunted within me. I was growing more edgy, more negative in mindset although I tried to cheer up my son, to bring him back to Light and Happiness. I felt I should not project my state onto my son. He already has enough on his plate to face his health condition for someone so young. 

I did my usual meditation and prayers whenever I can. I would have temporary peace and calm. However, because consciously I yet to work this out, once more these turbulences rose like a tsunami and all I can see are impossibilities. Everywhere it appeared hopelessness in face of uncertainty and the unknown. This condition truly unknown in the sense that until today no one are able to identify the true source of biliary atresia.

I decided to seek Clarity. Sometimes I am not always calm. I may teach meditation, and some have expectation of me to be usually calm, composed and learned. However many appear to forget that behind that role I play I am a human being with emotions. I am not a Buddha nor do I aspire to be a saint. I strived to do good and not hurt others as much as possible. 

I do cry; I do complain on occasion; I do feel unhappy and even angry at injustices. I have been through why life's unfair to me and why others are being unfair to me. Yet in continuing to allow myself stuck in sinking mud would only have no resolution.

Times I felt as if my head can burst with
all the mental and emotional stress

I would try not to focus too much on them until I would be drowned in perpetual negativity. I am a firm believer of moving forward and be a pro active person in overcoming challenges. 

I learned to seek Clarity by unlearning the mistakes I had made. I used to deny my true emotions and thoughts because I had assumed they made me weak and emotional. That would caused my emotional turbulence to continue. So, I assumed I am tough and strong by shutting down my emotions and rely on my brain more. As in logic. However, clarity I may appear to have, yet emotionally I am still bleeding. The wounds did not heal but grew like cancer. Although seemingly I have clarity yet, this is still subconsciously influenced by the hidden emotions.

I have done the venting, the complaints and the blaming. Though it may feel temporarily good, yet it was all an illusion. After throwing out mud into the environment and at people, what remain are negative mindset and emotions. I am still stuck in my circumstances. I am still unhappy. My status quo did not shift at all to any positive movement and resolution. 

To have my Clarity, I need to do the hardest challenge. They are as follows:-

1) Be very honest with myself. I acknowledge I do not want to lose my son. I acknowledge that the uncertainty can be not easy to manage. I don't want to pretend it was a small matter. It is a big matter that can cause loss of life. After joining the support group, knowing how many babies died in 2018, I have grown to be practical and accepting that death may claim my son's life. However, that do not mean I am just to accept and give in to the circumstances. 

I am a believer of rising up to any challenges, no matter how tough it can be. It had been my motto even before my spiritual awakening. It is because of spirituality, self healing and reflection that made me reached to an understanding that denial, suppression and repression of Self would go nowhere. Acknowledging the good, bad and ugly of Self and seek pro active actions to better oneself and one's circumstances are the way to go. Being static in thoughts and emotions only break a person.  

I had undergone depression and anorexia nervosa due to a perpetual cycle of negative thoughts and emotions that went nowhere. By my experience, I find that being pro active in decision-making and executing that decision would free us from fear and over-thinking entrapment. That made me break out from the depression and anorexia nervosa without any help from anyone nor any medications.

2) Reminders. Keep reminding myself of positivity and goodness. I find many of us, including myself too used to think of the worse in situations, of people. I met this lovely masseur recently who reminded me of that. She shared that she has lost money in an online purchase from Facebook. That the seller block her as well. I expected her to say she got cheated and be negative of the experience.

To my surprise, her perception was that maybe something happened to the seller. Prior to being blocked on Facebook, both of them have a good conversation. That the understanding would be the delivery would be dependent upon custom clearance. That the item would be delivered within an estimated two weeks. When the two weeks were up, my masseur was suddenly blocked by the seller. Instead of blame, my masseur mentioned that it was a possibility she had faced aggressive buyers. Possibly she could not handle the stress of confrontation and decided to block my masseur in case she too became an aggressor. 

Well, it is a possibility my masseur may be mistaken. Or she may be right. Because she has a healthy attitude to this incident, my masseur did not hold it to heart and able to move on without blame. Because of this positive mindset, my masseur have peace with this experience. Many I find, including myself at times, could not let go the sense of betrayal and hurt. Keep on going on and on to others or to ourselves until we became so angry, bitter and unhappy that may cause us to want to react negatively especially to the perpetrator. Yet this only chained us to negativity. 

To resolve any negative situation is to use positive action. Positive action seeks reconciliation, rebuilding, healing, understanding, healing and resolution. Negative action seeks retribution, blame, destruction and to maim. In order to know whether the action is positive or negative, reflect on the motivation of that action.

I decided to remind myself there is still hope where my son is concerned. I cannot change his medical condition. Neither can I take on his medical condition. However, with positive pro action, his quality of life can be better. His health can be improved. By allowing clarity to be the focus than fears, only then can a higher chance of a better outcome can come about. Keep on being positive and smiling. 

Keep on smiling, Patrick. Mummy will be with you all the way.

3) Stop focusing on how big is the problem. Focus on how to overcome the problem. To do that, only clarity especially calmness can make us realise of possibilities in solutions. When we allow ourselves to focus on how big is the problem, we would only end up in hopelessness, pessimism, cynicism. Re-direct the focus on problem solving than blame. Especially to take on the responsibility of resolution without resentment. I find I am no longer as fearful as before. I still have my worries and concern over Patrick. These emotions are much more manageable compared to December 2017.

Because we strive to be clear minded in order to make the best decision for Patrick, we decided to have Patrick blood test to be taken a week later instead of waiting to two months' appointment. If it is vitamin K deficiency Patrick is suffering from, then it is not a matter of liver transplant yet. However, if it is indeed liver damage, are we not taking a risk of Patrick's quality of life to deteriorate to a bad state if we wait until symptoms developed or worse, wait until the next appointment? 

This one week appointment can help us reach to an informed decision on whether to start planning for a liver transplant. It is best not to speculate and gather all the facts before we know what would be the next best action plan for Patrick. It can turn out to be a risky mistake if we chose to wait until two months' later when Patrick's liver starting to be damaged. I have already seen how bad the quality of life can be in one baby I met in the hospital last year. She did not realise her baby have this condition until it was too late to rectify by KASAI.

4) Do more positive activities. To generate clarity, calmness is to do positive activities. For me, meditation and prayers to de stress my mind, calm down my emotions and de stress my body. Some people have the wrong idea that meditation is to numb the emotions.  Not to say it cannot be done. However, with proper meditative practice the mind would be clearer to see the outcome of decision making. 

Meditate to find the clarity and calmness within
despite surrounding noise

I would participate in activities such as singing positive songs, indulge in creativity such as writing poems and making dolls. All these calms me. I generate positive emotions from these activities. I find it helps me have a general positive feel in my daily life. 

To be simple in thoughts as follows:-

Simplicity the way of life,

To see clearly of any strife.

When simple as can be,

Not as complicated as we see.

Everything has a solution,

So long chaos not the reaction.

Everything shall be fine,

So long we clear our minds.

Then we shall know

Which way to go.

( 5 January 2018)

© Cordelia Lee

I noticed because I have been practising smiling, laughing and singing with my son daily, he too developed into a more positive baby. Although there may be fears due to hospital visits, he can easily let go of the experience and smile and laugh afterwards. 

Today is 6 January 2019. A few more days before the next blood test. To know whether his liver is starting to be damaged or on its way to recovery.

What I can do now is to empower Patrick.

To also mentally and emotionally prepare myself for any outcome. 

I pray for Hope, Clarity and Light. 

If you happen to read this, please offer a prayer for Patrick. 

Thank you.

Hope for my son