Faith

On a journey of uncertainty, confusion, chaos and emotional turbulence, that is when we turn to Faith. Some lost Faith when they did not get the answers they wanted or what they prayed for did not manifest. Some Faiths however strengthen despite the journey appearing more unknown and uncertain.

To me, Faith is a personal journey. No one can tell you what you should do with your Faith. It's yours alone and not for others to dictate what it should be to their understanding. To their belief system. To their comfort zone. For God would show the ever faithful His Answer, His Direction. His Guidance.

I remembered my Faith was weakened in the month of April 2018. Patrick's jaundice did not appear to be growing any better. In fact, it was steadily increasing in bilirubin. My mother questioned on why is he not getting any better. Sometimes I do not know how to answer her. How could I give her a definite answer when the doctors could not?

On average, I had been sleeping 3 hours nightly because Patrick could not appear to sleep the whole night. He may sleep around midnight but woke up by 2am plus. Or he sleeps around 3am and woke up by 5am. His sleeping patterns were erratic and unpredictable. Although I try to get him to sleep at a regular time. Yet from what I understand his liver condition has caused him to be unable to get a normal sleeping pattern. 

It was truly a test of Patience and Endurance here.  I was constantly having this exhaustion in me. It helps when I could meditate to destress myself. Especially taking naps during the day to recover. However, I found that even with the naps; I don't feel replenished sometimes. 

Sometimes in such an exhausted state, my emotions were more raw and vulnerable. 

It was one of such mornings when I woke up feeling exhausted. It was in April 2018 when my Faith was tested.

Usually I did my usual prayers in the morning,  to God, Jesus and occasionally Mother Mary. On that morning  in April 2018, I directed my prayers to God and Jesus. 

I suddenly asked God this question - Will my son die?

I paused. I waited. 

I asked again.

With rising discontentment in me, I cried with an anguish heart.

"I don't hear Your Answer. Can You even hear my prayers???"

Then I ended my prayers unhappily. I told myself to forget on this. To move on. To stay positive for the day. We went out as a family to a shopping mall, had our lunch and explore further of the shops and returned home by almost 6pm. 

Our original idea was for us to have dinner outside after we get sufficient rest at home.

Suddenly my husband suggested that we have dinner at home. That he would make dinner instead. 

I was playing with Patrick in the living hall when my husband suddenly called me to the kitchen.

When I went there, he pointed to a broken egg shell. He was preparing to make a steamed egg dish. I was like, yes...it was a  broken egg shell.

These photos taken by my mobile phone. No tampering with the photo.
Taken on 9 April 2018

"Look closely. What does it look like to you"

My eyes looked closely at the insides of the eggshell.

There was a pink coloured cross on the egg shell. At first I thought it was a plus symbol. Upon closer inspection, it looked like a cross. 

Both of us were puzzled how did that happen. We tried to think something logical that could explain the egg shell. Maybe there was a painted cross from the external egg shell that somehow seeped inside. We looked. No such paint on the exterior egg. 

While we were puzzling on how could that could happen, it suddenly dawned on me. My prayers.

Did God answer me? Did Jesus answer me?

They heard my prayers.

They are letting me know...They heard my prayers.

I suddenly feel assured. Safe. Protected.

Although I do not know what would be the outcome of my journey with Patrick, whether he required a liver transplant or not, I felt I am not alone. 

Thank you for showing to me that You heard my prayers. 

Sorry for doubting You. 

Please bless me with continual strength, resilience, faith, clarity of mind and emotional stability so that I would know how to reach the best medical decision for Patrick. 

Praying for the best outcome