Oh, My Pregnancy! - Part 1

Why was I reluctant to believe I was pregnant? In the year of 2017, I was 45 years old. Chances to conceive naturally is very slim. Especially for the first child. 

I had always wanted to have a family with my first husband. Although married for more than five years, it did not come to fruition. I was disappointed and abandoned the idea. Disappointment did carry deep in me which I chose to ignore for many years. I distracted myself in other matters. Having a family became almost a forgotten memory.

To my surprise with my second husband, I found myself pregnant in less than a year of our marriage. Both of us are practical people. We are aware that at my age, chances to naturally conceive especially for a first child is very slim. 

My pregnancy was confirmed by the loud fetal heartbeats during the ultrasound scan. 

“Is it possible to hear heartbeats so early???

We could not believe it. 

And where was the baby?

The obstetrician’s finger pointed at a particular area of my womb

My eyes searched for a recognisable baby form but none was there.

Both myself and my husband were puzzled until the doctor explained at this stage the signs of a sac was indication of pregnancy has happened. Both of us were excited while the doctor was cool. The doctor estimated it’s between 4-5 weeks old. 

Even Mother Nature seem to congratulate me. I was conducting a nature meditation with my husband in one small park located in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. I love sitting among nature, breathing in the air, feeling the  breeze around our body. The sun lighted our skin while the birds chirping nearby.

My first encounter with a wild butterfly in 2012 after meditation in
the park. Every now and then I would encounter butterfly friends at the park.
The scent of grass and trees. Occasional visit of butterflies, bees, spiders among other insects. It always made us feel more relaxed at the end of our meditation. There were magical moments when butterflies may interact with a few of us or myself alone. Especially after meditation. 

I do believe insects can feel the vibration of humans. When we are anxious, our cells would emit that out. When we are calm, our cells reflect it so. During this state, insects which usually nervous among humans may come a closer look at us out of curiosity and become temporary friends. 

After we finished, I opened my eyes with a slight smile on my face. Casually I glanced down my mat. I noticed a dried leaf, with a few holes on it. One of which looked like a love shaped. 

Then another nearby dried leaf. Again with a few holes; one of them looked like a love shaped again. Was it a coincidence? Or was Mother Nature noticed my pregnancy, although I did not mentioned aloud yet to anyone. 

Heart shaped of dried leaf near my yoga mat.
Photo taken by my mobile
Another heart shaped on a dried leaf nearby my yoga mat
I do not know what to expect nor am I ready to be a mother. I shall go onto this ride and come what may. 

All kinds of emotions running through me. Of hope. Of anticipation. Of worry. Of curiosity and more. 

The physical changes would also proved to be challenging especially at an advanced maternal age. 

My next chapter of my life was coming - motherhood. No matter what, I am looking forward to this journey. 


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