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Patrick's eyes appeared to question me again. I could not promise him that it would be soon. It had been 5 days now. He no longer cried as much compared to the first day of admittance.
Dr. Ng, Patrick's pediatrician requested the nurses not to monitor Patrick's body temperature and blood pressure during early hours of the morning. This not only disrupted his sleep, it also caused him to be fearful because he could not understand why the nurses kept putting on devices on his body.
Sometimes I brought Patrick around the hospital floor by putting him in a stroller. He usually enjoyed those times moving in and out of the room. Until one morning, something happened that caused him to be scared.
Every alternate day, his weight would be taken. He would be placed on the weighing machine. After that was done, suddenly there was a loud wail. A young child or baby's wailing. This baby's voice sounded like he/she was in pain.
Patrick in hearing that became frightened and cried as well. I quickly returned him to our room, telling him not to listen. I closed the door to our room. The wailing voice became much reduced. I started distracting Patrick by singing to him until he felt relaxed and happier.
Singing and dancing mummy for Patrick!
I would relied on poetry as a way to destress myself. Usually I shared with my friends of my thoughts and poems of our hospital stay.
One teardrop, two smiles coming.
Fear not, loosen up & laughing.
Singing hearts, Light's the way.
Hope still in me, go home any day.
I shall stand strong against any wave.
More love, Positivity, Light come my way.
Helloooo, morning! Patrick here!
Mummy practice something dear.
Day by day, we smile together.
Feeling good, let's this last forever.
No tube out, yay, yay, yay!
Otherwise oh no, mayday!
Home is where my Heart is,
Let this fat feeding finish.
Otherwise I will go ish ish ish!
This exercise no fun, ain't a bliss.
p/s - there mummy goes again. Weird faces..Oh mummy.
Patrick would usually have a suspicious attitude towards doctors, because to him, they always seem to poke him when checking his body. Also the doctors were involved in blood extraction exercises in order to check the levels of jaundice.
At one time, there were a few doctors near us during his weighing exercise. Patrick was removed of his clothing and diaper so that an accurate body weight can be obtained.
As the doctors came nearer to us, Patrick immediately cried louder. The doctors immediately backed away. I kept telling Patrick, "There's no pain. Take your weight only. NO pain. Trust mummy. Trust mummy. Doctor don't touch you. Trust mummy."
One of the doctors remarked that Patrick gave a suspicious and mistrustful look at all the doctors. I tried to make him understand that the doctors were here to help him get better. Not to hurt him. However, I was not able to make him understand the pain involved in blood extraction.
The night feedings were also causing him distress and discomfort. The doctor suggested to slowly increase the volume from 35ml per hour to 40ml per hour on a continuous ten hours night feeding.
Patrick kept waking up and cried uncontrollably as if he was in pain. I had to temporarily switched off the feeding. I noticed that within a few minutes, he looked more relaxed in my arms.
This disturbed me as to how much discomfort that Patrick had to endure. I discussed with the doctors on whether the volume can be lowered. However, they wanted him to continue at the same volume in order to see whether he reacted the same way. His crying to be also recorded.
Again, in the night, he woke up crying uncontrollably. I used my mobile phone to video record his crying for a couple of seconds. It was enough to show to the doctors the next day that I was not being an overprotective mother. They agreed to lower the volume of the milk feeding. However, to ensure efficient level of weight gain, within next few days that volume needed to be increased again.
There were moments when Patrick was in distress due to the night feeding with cries loud enough to burst my eardrums, I tried to calm him by singing. Usually it worked. I tried not to let his cries affect me emotionally while I calmly sing to him. I would sometimes place his sobbing body onto my chest while I leaned against the wall. My hips would feel strained and at times painful. My backache sometimes acted up.
My baby Patrick, how I comfort thee.
Yet wanting for Patrick to feel comforted matters more than my physical pain.
I hope I can make you feel happier. That despite you are in an environment that you dislike, you can still be happy. You are not alone in the hospital, Patrick. I kept telling him that. Mummy will be with you until we return home. This would not be a long time. We will return home. Mummy promise. Have patience, Patrick.
On a journey of uncertainty, confusion, chaos and emotional turbulence, that is when we turn to Faith. Some lost Faith when they did not get the answers they wanted or what they prayed for did not manifest. Some Faiths however strengthen despite the journey appearing more unknown and uncertain. To me, Faith is a personal journey. No one can tell you what you should do with your Faith. It's yours alone and not for others to dictate what it should be to their understanding. To their belief system. To their comfort zone. For God would show the ever faithful His Answer, His Direction. His Guidance. I remembered my Faith was weakened in the month of April 2018. Patrick's jaundice did not appear to be growing any better. In fact, it was steadily increasing in bilirubin. My mother questioned on why is he not getting any better. Sometimes I do not know how to answer her. How could I give her a definite answer when the doctors could not? On average, I had been sleeping 3 hours nightly bec…
The birth of Patrick changed my marriage life from the two of us to the three of us, a family. We were excited, happy, worried followed by all kind of emotions for our baby son. So many things to learn, to experience. Breastfeeding, constant thoughts on our baby's well being especially when his jaundice appeared to rise during his first month. The lacking of sleep. There were moments I observed his breathing while he slept. We were amazed by every new mannerisms that Patrick displayed. We were so charmed when he first smiled to us. I would observed how gently my husband would treat Patrick and how Patrick would looked up to him, listening to his every word.
We were enjoying ourselves as new parents until something happened in the middle of November 2017 that changed our lives forever. "There is something not right with his stools."
My sister in law remarked to me while I tiredly changed Patrick's diapers. Mentally I can be exhausted as new mothers would be. We visited my s…
When I saw Patrick's stained fingers, I observed closely it was blood. I assumed the stain came from his ears again. I observed - no wound. I checked on his arms and legs. No wounds as well. I was puzzled where the stain came from. Then I had a sudden thought - check his diapers. When I saw the bloodstain on the diapers, I panicked and called my husband to come upstairs quickly. When he reached the room, I told him Patrick is bleeding. "where?", he asked "Anus." I pointed to his diapers and then his anus stained blood. It had never happened like this before. Usually there were droplets of blood together with his stools. Even that rarely happened. "Is it starting?", my worried thoughts came. When I glanced towards my husband's face, he too have similar thoughts. "It" refer to liver damage. My husband advised me to clean up his anus. After the blood stain was cleaned, my husband took a closer look. "There is a cut near the anus hole." …